my last night in langa before going to the countryside to live with a white afrikaner family for a week was hard and i felt afraid and then i felt stupid for being afraid
because like i always tell myself people are people and are nothing to be afraid of
and before every single family has opened their home to me i am so afraid
and for no reason, i am constantly afraid of people over and over again, and to be honest
for no reason
in their own way, literally or in their own way, they have hugged me immediately and loved me for the simple fact that i want to know them, in whatever small way it is possible
talking to mama on her bed with the xhosa news on in the background
the makeup caked on the newscaster's conventionally attractive face, ugh
lying in bed with a woman who worked for more than thirty years as a nurse in a township dealing with tb and hiv and aids and consoling people confronting real, tangible loss on a daily basis
i told her i was scared to go to stellenbosch
she said she used to be afraid of going places like that too
i used to be afraid of all white people, she said
were you afraid of me i said
she said no, she hasn't been afraid of white people for a little while now
and then she laughed and said no one could be afraid of me
i said i'm sure it is possible, especially if you've never seen a white person before
she said, yeah, but then you'll just act very silly and it will be fine
she went on and said she used to call all white people master and madam every time she saw one
she said only recently has she been able to relax and call them by their names
i felt my lungs with my bones kind of pressing on them during that
she said don't be scared, they're not going to hurt you, they're different now
i said yeah but do you think they would hurt nelisa if she was going instead of me
she said, i'd like to think not but there is no telling
she said some people in stellenbosch still think apartheid should exist
she said it is unpopular to feel that way, and some people who feel that way won't even admit in public that they feel that way
so there is no telling
i said how can you be so unafraid of them after watching your family fall apart, i said it was only over fourteen years ago, the older people there are the people who did those terrible things
she said i'm not afraid because it is okay, it is not perfect, but it is okay
she closed her mouth and i saw the wrinkles that surround the edges of her lips, her soft and large cheeks
her eyes were closed and she looked at me with certainty and said
it is okay
it is fine
it is not perfect, but it is okay
i said, why is it okay
because i forgive them, and i even love them, too
